Quick Help Guide

  • Tune into your body and trust your instincts. Due to the gaslighting and invalidation we typically doubt ourselves after narcissistic abuse.
  • There is no need to struggle or to try too hard. When you need to take action, you will receive the impulse to do so. Everything is unfolding as it should in its own time. Trust in your ability to deal with the situation at hand. Each of us has incredible inner wisdom.
  • Know that you deserve to be safe, secure and happy. Do not accept anything less. We are contributing to the greater good of the planet by saying “NO” to abuse.
  • Accept that people will judge us no matter what we do or how perfect we try to be. What we are able to control is knowing that we have tuned into our hearts and acted with honesty, love and authenticity. We can resolve to be true to ourselves and then let go of the outcome.
  • Know that an emotional flashback is temporary.
  • Keep a diary to remind yourself of the progress you are making.
  • The greatest “revenge” is for us to be happy. The Narcissist is playing a ruthless game which they have to win. The only way to “win” is to focus on ourselves instead.
    route to success
  • Accept that the abuser is NEVER going to change. As painful as this may be to accept, it is the one thing that gives us the most freedom. It allows us to channel our energy to where it CAN benefit us – by focusing on creating our own realities. We progress when we accept “what is”, rather than trying to resist and force things, which we have no control over, to change.
  • Healing from narcissistic abuse is an opportunity to learn to validate ourselves. Covert abuse is dangerous in the fact that it is hard to detect. It is often FELT, rather than SEEN. Knowing that others may not be able to validate us protects us from feeling defective when others do not understand the dynamic. Learn who is safe and helpful to talk to.
  • If you are feeling run down and exhausted, this could be a sign that you are processing old trauma and the trauma is now leaving your body. Listen to what your body needs and honour it. Be gentle with yourself.
  • You may have lost faith in human nature. Know that this can pass as we build and attract healthier relationships into our lives.  It may be helpful to make a note of kind gestures that you witness each day, such as someone letting you in front of them in a queue. What we focus on is what increases and will continue to show up in our lives.
  • Let go of fear of the narcissist’s smear campaign. A smear campaign is built up of untruths. Lies have no energy or life force to sustain them. They will only be sustained if we get hooked up in them and give them energy by panicking and trying to justify ourselves to everyone. Have faith and trust that all is well. Treat the smear campaign as a pathetic childish attempt to derail your resolve to make progress in your life, as this all it is. Those people who belong in your life will see the truth.
  • If we have been scapegoated, then it is natural for us to feel the need to justify ourselves and to prove ourselves to be “good” people to everyone. This is not necessary. Know that you are good enough! By being able to let go of the need to get others to understand, we allow the space for them to come to us. Trust that everything will be okay. Focus on loving and approving of yourself and the rest will fall into place.
  • We can save so much energy by realising that a narcissist, by definition, will never be held accountable for the abuse. Channel the energy of any negative feelings, such as anger and resentment, into positive energy to create something good for yourself.  For example, I can channel my desire to change a narcissist into motivation to make sure that I overcome the legacy of being abused.
  • We do NOT need to check up on abusers on social media. All it does is drain our energy. It does NOT matter what they are doing. Our duty is towards ourselves and our own lives.
  • How we are feeling is how the abuser wants us to feel. This knowledge allows us to detach from them and to not absorb their toxic emotions. Do not underestimate the lengths they will go to just to create an emotional reaction in another person! They thrive on creating chaos! They cannot exist without sucking energy and life force out of others.
  • When we get the negative internal voice, identify it for what it is. That voice is our ego. It believes that it is keeping us safe and helping us in some way. This may be an outdated coping mechanism from childhood.  It may kick in when we are actually doing really well, in a bid to stop us from moving forward with new behaviours. It is a remnant from the abusive childhood that we had no power to escape from. Listen to the negative voice with curiosity and compassion. Thank it for what it has been doing to protect us and let it know that it has been doing a great job. Once the negative voice feels heard and acknowledged, it will feel safe to quieten down and to stop sabotaging our attempts to move forwards.