Quick Help Guide

  • Remember that the feelings of shame, self hatred, unworthiness and guilt belong with the abuser, not with you.
  • Trust your instincts (actually this tip should probably be at the top of the list! Due to the gaslighting and invalidation we typically doubt ourselves after narcissistic abuse).
  • Trust that you will receive the lessons that you need.  There is no need to struggle or to try too hard. When you need to take action, you will receive the impulse to do so. Everything is okay and is unfolding as it should. Trust in your ability to deal with the situation at hand. Each of us has incredible inner wisdom.
  • Know that you deserve to be safe, secure and happy. Do not accept anything less. We are contributing to the greater good of the planet by saying “NO” to abuse.
  • Know that an emotional flashback is temporary and that we can heal by acknowledging and accepting the emotions and working through them.
  • Get in touch with your developing self esteem as you overcome emotional wounds. We are healing and taking back more of our innate power every day. Keep a diary to remind yourself of the progress you are making.
  • The greatest revenge is for us to be happy. The Narcissist is playing a ruthless game when they have to win. They lack conscience and so we have no way of beating them. The only way to win is not to play and to focus on ourselves instead.
  • Do not worry about what will happen to the abuser once you leave. Abusers tend to be very resourceful!route to success
  • Accept that the abuser is NEVER going to change. As painful as this may be to accept, it is the one thing that gives us the most freedom. It allows us to channel our energy to where it CAN benefit us – by focusing on creating our own realities. We progress when we accept “what is”, rather than trying to resist and force things, which we have no control over, to change.
  • Healing from Narcissistic abuse is an opportunity to learn to validate ourselves. Narcissistic abuse is generally not understood by anyone who has not experienced it themselves. Especially in terms of covert abuse, the abuse is FELT, rather than SEEN. Knowing that others are not going to be able to validate us helps us to move on from the desperate feeling of being rejected when others invalidate us. Learn who is safe and helpful to talk to.
  • If you are feeling run down and exhausted, this could be a sign that you are processing old trauma and the trauma is now leaving your body. Listen to what your body needs and honour it. Be gentle with yourself.
  • It is likely that you may have lost faith in human nature. Know that this can pass as we build and attract healthier relationships into our lives.  It may be helpful to make a note of kind gestures that you witness each day, such as someone letting you in front of them in a queue.  Savour these moments! What we focus on is what increases and will continue to show up in our lives. Avoid exposing yourself to anything that could trigger the feeling that the world is unsafe, e.g. the news or reality television shows.
  • Let go of catastrophising about what is happening ‘on the outside’. Understand that we are creating our own realities. It is our inner state that is important. Our lives will naturally improve as we work on healing and uplevelling our wounds and fears.
  • Let go of fear of the narcissist’s smear campaign. A smear campaign is built up of untruths. Lies have no energy or life force to sustain them. They will only be sustained if we get hooked them and give them energy by panicking or worrying and trying to run around justifying ourselves to everyone. Have faith and trust that all is well. People will see the truth and the abuser will slip up and show their true colours. It’s a law of the universe, just as much as gravity. If we have been scapegoated, then it is natural for us to feel the need to justify ourselves and to prove ourselves to be “good” people to everyone. This is not necessary. Know that you are good enough! By being able to let go of the need to get others to understand, we allow the space for them to come to us. Trust that everything will be okay. Focus on loving and approving of yourself and the rest will fall into place.
  • We can save so much energy by realising that a Narcissist, by definition, will never be held accountable for the abuse.  This is akin to asking an abuser for permission to feel that we have been abused by them. It is never going to happen. Channel any negative feelings, such as anger and resentment, into positive energy to create something good for yourself.  For example, I can channel my desire to change a Narcissist into a decent human being into something more positive, such as motivation to make sure that I heal.
  • We do NOT need to check up on abusers on social media. All it does is drain our energy. It does NOT matter what they are doing. Our duty is towards ourselves and our own lives.
  • How we are feeling is how the abuser wants us to feel. This knowledge allows us to detach from them and to not absorb their toxic emotions. Do not underestimate the lengths they will go to just to create an emotional reaction in another person! They have no energy of their own so they thrive on creating chaos, often for no apparent reason! They cannot exist without sucking energy out of others. This may explain their cruel and apparently nonsensical behaviour.
  • When we get the negative internal voice, identify it for what it is. That voice is our ego. It believes that it is keeping us safe and helping us in some way. This may be an outdated coping mechanism from childhood.  It may kick in when we are actually doing really well, in a bid to stop us from moving forward with new behaviours. It is a remnant from the abusive childhood that we had no power to escape from. Listen to the negative voice with curiosity and compassion. Thank it for what it has been doing to protect us and let it know that it has been doing a great job. Once the negative voice feels heard and acknowledged, it will feel safe to quieten down and to stop sabotaging our attempts to move forwards. For more useful information on this approach, I would advise looking into IFS (Internal Family Systems therapy), founded by Dick Schwartz.