feelingishealing

Thy Shalt Not Judge

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Judging a narcissistA key factor why narcissistic abuse can be so devastating is because it is so insidious. The abusers are likely to have brainwashed us through gaslighting with the belief that it is wrong to “judge” others. However we do need to be able to “discern” the character of another person in order to protect ourselves and keep ourselves safe.

If you have been in an abusive relationship with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder, you will know the feelings of isolation, desperation, despair, confusion, frustration, coupled with feelings of low self worth and feeling misunderstood. You will also likely have felt that there must be something wrong with you and that you are losing your mind.

We must be able to name abuse and to call it out for what it is. Anyone who is unable to acknowledge that they have been abused will be a ticking time bomb, constantly trying to repress anger and rage.

Assessing when someone is not trustworthy allows us to set the appropriate boundaries that we need in order to feel safe.

The REAL Cause of Stress

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I saw a programme on the BBC recently about stress in modern society. The part that most stood out to me was a group of school children sitting around with their eyes closed, taking part in a mindfulness session.  This might help with the symptoms of stress, but I don’t see it tackling the core root of the stress that we experience in this society.

busy London streetAs humans we are pack animals. We are designed to live and to work together and to support each other. We cannot survive without other people. Imagine everything that you do from the moment that you wake up. How have others contributed to this? For example, someone will have constructed your bed, delivered your furniture etc.

In modern Western society, and in particular in London, the sense of community and belonging appears to have rapidly disintegrated.

The result is a culture in which the people who we pass and bump into each day are strangers. My grandad used to talk passionately about he and my grannie used to walk along the local high street and they would know every person who they bumped into and they were able to stop and have a chat.

This lack of community leads to a feeling of distrust among people and a culture of feeling unsafe and at dis-ease.  We feel separated from others. If we live in an area that feels safe, we may be in a constant state of hypervigilance. This means that we are in resistance to our environment and this leads us to want to try and exert control over our environment. This is what leads to much of the stress that we feel on a day to day basis.

From personal experience, I have put a lot of effort into trying to analyse how to make people treat me better and to try to cognitively alter my behaviour in such a way so that I do not suffer abuse. However I have found this not to bear very good results! Human interactions are energetic and the forces at play are normally stronger than what the mind can control with its rationalisations. What HAS worked has been to simply trust myself and my innate instincts. If something does happen to go wrong then I can use it as a learning experience.

Psychological abuse damages the sense of trust that we have within ourselves. By learning to trust ourselves, we can start to feel safer in our bodies and create a sense of inner peace.

4 Reasons to Leave a Narcissistic Relationship

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Narcissistic relationships can be very difficult to leave due to factors such as trauma bonding.  Here are three powerful ways to reframe the relationship in order to break free:

  1.  FANTASY  Realise that the image that the Narcissist has created in your eyes is a fantasy.  That person does not exist in reality.
  2. mirror imageMIRROR The narcissist studied you intently so that they were able to portray themselves as a mirror image to you. They do this to create the illusion that they are our soul mates. In reality they are not this dream person that we have been led to believe that they are.
  3. ADVERSARY This was the strongest force that repelled me from past narcissistic partners. In MY mind, the narcissist and I were a team. Not so in the narcissist’s mind! The narcissist sees others as objects that are there to fulfill his / her own needs. The narcissist is an adversary to us. They do NOT have our best needs at heart. They will inevitably try to cause us harm.
  4. I LOVE YOU  When the Narcissist tells us that they love us, it is not because this is how they feel. It is because they WANT something FROM us. The narcissist may also tell us they love us to prompt us to tell them that we love them. This reassures them that they have us under their control and that they are desirable to us.

Once you have decided to leave, it becomes really important to work through your triggers so that you can break free from the ties that keep you bonded to this person.

What helped you to move on from a narcissist? It would be great to hear your comments below.

Once a (insert word) always a …

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There is a common misconception that one who has experienced an addiction will always have that illness. I remember reading about anorexia when I was a teenager and all the literature said that the sufferer would always have a tendency towards that disease.

It is true that currently only a small percentage of people who go into recovery actually heal and recover.

In recovery circles, such as addiction programmes, it’s suggested that each member introduces themself as an addict, no matter how long they have been in the group for and how much recovery they have. Through studying Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and the power of language on our mind, I see how harmful it can be to label and identify oneself in this way. It can also be shaming and stigmatising, which we already experts at doing to ourselves if we have complex PTSD!

Someone may call themselves a “love addict”, for example, if they have experienced an addiction to certain people in their lives. However I see this as a coping strategy to avoid the pain, which stems from childhood, of not feeling worthy of being loved. It’s a behaviour, not an identity.

Another reason why people do not recover is because they stuggle with their symptoms, rather than considering what the cause of those symptoms might be.  For example, if a person is addicted to a substance, that person is subconsciously trying to avoid the deep pain in their inner being as a result of previous trauma. That person may be able to achieve some sobriety through a recovery programme.  However the addiction is always in danger of returning if the person has not dealt with the core issue of why they feel the need to avoid their feelings in the first place. Dr Gabor Mate speaks more about trauma being the root cause of addiction. According to him, the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but connection.

So we CAN heal, but we do need to deal with the root cause of the illness. Many people avoid doing this as it easier in the short term to be in denial of our past traumas.  We are also conditioned by society to find the quick fix.

Narcissistic Defences

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Have you ever tried to confront a narcissist or sociopath? Good luck if you decide to try – in fact I would strongly advise against it. Make sure you read to the end for a special insight.

Here are some of their most common responses:

  • “You need to get a life”.
  • “You are mentally ill”.
  • “Stop psychoanalysing everyone all of the time”. (exaggerating)
  • Telling you that you are so awful because you are blaming other people for EVERYTHING! (this is projection – it’s the narcissist’s motto that they are perfect and someone else is always to blame)
  • “YOU are the PROBLEM”.
  • Going into victim mode – crocodile tearscrocodile tears
  • Silent treatment
  • Threats to report you / get you sent to the loony bin
  • Telling you that no one else has ever made the complaint that you have just made (as though it is YOU with the problem, and they are perfect)

Hopefully you can see how ridiculous most of these defences are!

The special insight is that a narcissist projects his negative qualities onto others. In other words, everything he is accusing you of is what he really fears to be true of himself!

What have your experiences of confronting a narcissist been?